Monday, January 27, 2014

Unexplainable Deep Sorrow - when does it end?

January 27, 2014

What an emotional morning yesterday was.  Steve’s family was back at church minus the youngest because he had to get back to school.  I saw them when I first pulled in and said hello to the oldest and felt good about how the morning would progress.  Then during the worship singing portion I looked over and the middle one came in with his girlfriend.  A real freaky thing happened next and it pretty much pushed me over the edge – I looked out the side window into the parking lot and saw someone walking towards the narthex in a black overcoat like Steve used to wear.

It was at that exact point I realized that it could not be Steve and Steve would never make that walk again in the state that we all knew him in.  I had to walk out of church and go to the bathroom and try and gain my composure again.  When I returned I looked up into our stained glass window about the pulpit area and thought I saw a shadow fly up past it towards the sky.

Let me preface this by saying I am not typically one to believe in ghosts or spirits outside of the Holy Spirit (or Ghost whichever you prefer to recognize that portion of the Trinity by) but I just felt like God was there reminding me that Steve was in a better place now and that the tears I have are good tears because I miss him and his personality.

After service I went and spoke with the boys and Steve’s wife and then headed out for the day.  My wife was trying to get me to talk about what happened at church but I just wasn’t in the place emotionally to discuss it (pretty typical to be honest with you) so I just told her I was fine and that we would chat later.

It amazes me that I am still so affected by his death.  I look back and about what type of friendship that we had and I wonder if I feel guilty that he is gone and was so vibrant but my father is still around and really serves no purpose in his catatonic state of mind (not being mean – just putting it to words).  Why does God feel the need to keep my dad here and take Steve away when Steve was serving His Kingdom and winning souls for the Lord while my dad cannot even feed himself or do anything else for himself?  In the end, there is no answer to that question and I will continue on my journey and contemplate Steve and his impact on earth with all the hearts that he touched with God’s love!

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